I dreamt of her.

First of all, fortunately, it wasn't a wet dream. It was just a dream, which made me feel pleasant for a while.

She was an adult in that dream. Still short, she was clad in a black top tank, which made her look sexy. I had no sexual appeal on her at all, though. The fact is that she invited me to her house, which was surprising. It seemed like she has transformed and finally became matured. Her house was white and clean, but some parts were a little messy. I don't remember the details of the items at her house. I sat with her in the dining room, at morning, when nothing but whiteness was the clear hint. Throughout this whole dream, she was smiling, and I felt that she was more matured than me. She cooked for me some breakfast and put it on the transparent glass table, and she looked at me while I was eating in a hectic manner. She was pretty. I wanted to hug her.

It's not because I still like her or whatever, but I do feel that whenever I spot her on other people's Instagram photographs, I feel that it's such a waste. She's really quite pretty, in my opinion. Somehow, her personality says the otherwise and I feel that that's not very good of her.

I daydream of the day when she suddenly approaches me and implores for my apology, or seeing each other at overseas alone, without any acquaintance. With joy, I think I'll talk to her and link coincidence to having a meal together. I've always wanted to reconcile with her, but situations didn't allow me to do so. Probably, when we become older and more matured, I hope this happens and I wish I can still remember you. I wish fervently for her to do so, too.

I don't want her to be my girlfriend, however. I guess she will feel the same too. Unless she has proven to me that her personalities have changed and stop influencing me to her Christianity, I won't ever start liking her.

The moments that I hate nowadays are when I can relate to love songs closely.

It was a dream. It was a pleasant dream.

By sight, not by faith.

The title should be the opposite, but this represents how I have been feeling about you. To me, you are still pretty (looks only), but why do I constantly think nowadays, that I should not feel this way? I want to know a specific reason, so I need to ask you. I don't love you anymore, but I have to ask you.

Why did you do that?

This question has always been recurring in my mind. It was very unreasonable for you to do that, do you realise? I always feel that you were wrong at that moment. You've done something very wrong, which always pricks me a sense of guilt, even when I have not done anything wrong against you. Why the hell did you even say that, and reacted that way? Were you too young? Probably. You were way too younger than me. However, at the same time, I was young, too. Hence, that does not give you a luxury to reason why you made such bad remarks of me. It was not fair.

You've always reminded me of impartiality - a fairness, an equilibrium in this unfair society, where having this will be a utopia. Something that never exists, but what I wish to, is what you always reminded me. You humiliated me and gave me a sense of reality, after making that statement that was out of a logical sense. I talked about Miranda Warning last time in the Auburn Society to denote what you have done wrong, and what others around you have done wrong as well. This is a problem in our society, but at the Auburn Society, this is completely disallowed.

One thing to claim is that, you seem happy - very jubilant, indeed. You can't imagine how you hurt other people by coming up with your illogical, childish and ill-minded nonsense. When people trust you, you use it maliciously to hurt them, by not only backstabbing, but also by making others, who will go against people like me, to trust you temporarily. I am not saying that I am innocent. However, if badness has a weight, yours is much heavier than mine. I hope someday karma avenges you. Believing in Jesus Christ is the best humour I have heard from you, because you are not a true believer. Right after I witnessed your stupidity over your religion view, there was no reason for me to love you anymore.

Stay hungry. Stay foolish, such that Job's real meaning befalls on you wrongly, as you take it in a literal sense. Realise your callousness and stupidity as you grow older, and let me see if you can keep up with any word that you had said against me. Trust me for once - you will neither have matured thoughts in future, nor will you beg for apology from me, or others who mistrusted you. You are that kind of person. People don't change until they discover their flaws, and you will never succeed in doing so. I know your bad habits more than yourself.

Your sarcastic motto - by faith, not by sight - exactly represents how fake you are. Can you even answer that italicised question above?

I'm not going to be in a relationship for at least 5 years.

Why? Simple! Because it isn't fun, and it's actually very serious.

I always feel that I am not handsome, kind-hearted, smart or muscular. There is nothing appealing of me yet and thus makes me feel so vulnerable when I come to a relationship. Once I start a relationship, I think I will plunge into despair because I'm really an emotional person, and someone already made me do so. She said that I cannot be forgiven, and I'm letting her go as well. As she really showed her true hatred towards me, I'm not going to be a bastard who approaches her and forces her to change. No.

Yes, I am a stalker. I agree partially because I stalked her Facebook for her birthday, but I've never done any kind of stalking to any girl (in fact, not even to guys) before, especially that someone, because I already knew that it would be damn scary for a young and short girl like her to see a big figure like me following her. I texted to her that day when I scared her behind the pillar at the bus interchange that I am really not stalking her to give her some reliance. But since it is no longer in my phone, I cannot prove it right, so this statement will not be valid. Whatever the thing is, she somehow thought that it was a stalking. I think this is because of what I've done to her. There were some things I've done wrong to her - I talked to her too comfortably. I could rely on her so much that I told her too many things honestly. And that's where a snowball begins to become a large avalanche - a thick, cold and despairing army of words which bruised me rather brutally. She developed a misconception on me.

I don't know why, but if you are a close friend with her, you should be telling her never to jump to a conclusion, because people around her gets affected a lot, and they cannot even prove her wrong if it happens. I mean, firstly, look at how demoralised I am. Actually, before meeting her, I thought I was fine, but I just felt inferior to her after encountering her and I didn't really think that I deserve her. What if I didn't meet her. Or what if I was more logical and better-looking. There are many hypothetical questions that ridicule me. But you know what's the reality? There are no what-ifs, only what-is, and it is damn obvious and clear, so it doesn't confuse me at all. What is this guy doing. What is he saying. What is he doing to that small young girl. What is, what is, WHAT IS THE FUCKING PROBLEM. Damn clear, really.

See, from my experience, starting a relationship is very painful and I don't think I can open my mind up to any woman around me. And the reason why I'm saying this is because there's no other woman who made me feel reliable on, except her. She really is a nice person, but it's just that she started not to like me one day. I hate how people change all of a sudden sometimes. That person becomes very unfamiliar and threatening, even if that person isn't really that unfamiliar or physically bulky. Hence, for at least 5 years, I'm not going to have a relationship. I am posting this so that there will not be any misconception on anyone saying that I'm a stalker who still likes that girl or anything. No, fuck you! I'm not some fucking rapist stalker and I'm not going to let anyone get influenced by some illogical behaviour of her towards me. I HATE STALKERS, MY GOD. AND I LOVE MYSELF. LOGICALLY THAT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE RIGHT. I say I am ugly and not generous but I like the way I am.

I will say this honestly. She is a nice person, she really is a nice person, and that's why I fell for her. Also because she's very pretty. Ha-ha. And yes, she is nice because she's a good person to talk to. She responds to you almost instantaneously, unless she has some lessons or doing homework. Even when you spam her on WhatsApp, she will still reply without much complaining, and I think that's the beauty of her. You will get a feeling that she'll always be there for you when you need her. I think you can ask her close friends about this as well. They will know more than me about this.

If you are aspiring to be her boyfriend, then please take note that she is a type of person who gets creeped out very easily. And if you are a tall, ugly and not good at talking, please train your speaking skill and body before talking to her. She likes muscular guys and smart guys. I wasn't. LOL. I mean, I also like muscular guys too! It's not like she's a slut who goes for those kinds of boys, come on. She isn't, really. Just talk to her one day. However, once she seeps into her own thoughts, it will be difficult for you to tell her that you done things wrong and ask for apology, because she closes up all possibilities. I am struggling to do so as well, and I am planning to do it after my O Levels. Just don't be stupid and spam her with saying sorry to her when she does not want to talk to you. Because I did that and she blocked me everywhere on SNS. HAHAHA. Dammit. What if I didn't... Oh wait. What is this. No! Reality time!

I don't know why but now when I come to think of it, we were quite incompatible, because I really sucked at whatever I did. I don't think it's her fault. I truly think that the problems were with me, and I will let the time heal this living wound. Someday, I will meet her again somehow, not even when I stalked her or anything, because Singapore is small. Then I just wish to say hi to her normally. That's all I want to do. I really wish her to have a nice boyfriend (I think he is apple and she was sensitive to not tell me about who that guy is) because she truly deserves a person who's so much better than me. And I wish she doesn't meet a bastard who creeps the fuck out of her. I'm always sorry that I didn't give a very nice impression of me to her. I thank her for always being such a nice person to me and others. I really like her as a person. Last but not least, even when she realises what she has done wrong (but I don't think she will because her hatred towards me is quite serious) and says sorry to me or whatever, I have no confidence to start a relationship, at least for the upcoming 5 years. Okay, let's be clearer. I will extend this to 1 January 2020. I just wish the world doesn't end so that I will be blessed enough to date with a girl. He-he.

To C:

Please take note that you will get some things from me after O Levels. Don't worry, there won't be any tracking GPS device. I'm seriously not a stalker lah, please. And whatever I said on Facebook about you... They may be true but the real truth is that you gave me good memories which made me open up to you even more than my close friends. You are so special in that way, so quit thinking that you're not. Because there will always be this old man here, looking up to you. Oi, don't think dirty, okay. Not that look-up lah! Sorry for letting my friends holding me when you walked out of school. They suck. HAHAHA. No lah, they are good friends but I just didn't tell them to stop doing it. My fault again. :)

I really wish you to have a very nice future boyfriend. Please take care, pretty girl!