D-310, on 1/1/17

Yes, it's been a long time. Sorry for not writing any post. I've been... addicted to gaming? Whatever the reason is, I'm back.

Nothing much new to update, I guess (There are actually a lot, including issues in Korea, but I'm gonna be extremely busy). Boring New Year resolutions that I've not been keeping in my entire life... Yet I've always told myself that I would do so. I've never kept to my promises. Next year, it's gonna be the same. I would like to study harder.

Besides that, I'm scared of going out.

It's much more comfortable to be "antisocial" and sit down in front of a computer to play my Korean game, or League of Legends. I don't usually play with my friends online (except Javier). I have no idea why though. Maybe because I'm lazy to contact my friends to play with me. Or maybe because I'm scared to be perceived as a gamer. Anyway, I'm just not used to asking people out for playing with me; be it online or in real life.

I am just scared to meet my friends in real life. I got a strange feeling that I hate to go out. It's like, there's no reason to go out. At home, there's my mom and myself that I can reflect through the virtual reality. Yes, it's pathetic, but I've been feeling like I need this reliance. It's addiction, actually. Even World Health Organisation (WHO) claimed that gaming addiction is a real form of addiction. It almost equates to smoking and drinking. Games have been giving me the illusion that it feels better to be at home than outside. The fact is, it's better to be outside than at home. I won't be studying hard when I'm at home as I feel more comfortable and I will be inclined to play computer games eventually.

One thing I realised was that I'm scared of meeting people (other than frinends) as well. There's nothing much I can be proud to share, other than getting promoted to JC 2. That ain't a very nice achievement. 80% of my schoolmates achieved promotion. In 2016, my aims were to get promoted and obtain A for PW, and enjoy the life in JC. That was a wrong decision which I might regret for the rest of my life.  Those people from other better JCs or good Poly courses, or those in relationship or in larger social circle, made me ask myself why I'm in this small, stagnant pool of dense fluid. It's like there's this heavy force spiralling me downwards, which I would like to call it inferiority. I'm not from good JC, yet am I getting good results? Negative. My overall grades were ABCDE. Some people obtained worse results, but I don't really care about these things anymore, as I feel that people won't recognise me if I don't get good results. It's like, there's nothing special in me, which leads to the inferiority.

I've been thinking yesterday night and thanks to that, I could quit gaming today. Out of the blue, I felt extremely anxious and I couldn't sleep. Remaining insomniac, I got up and started doing my holiday Maths homework and I could only fall asleep around 4AM (and I did something to relax, as I still felt nervous; eww). It was terrible. I was very nervous, thinking that if I slept before A Level examination unprepared, I would definitely get a U grade without any doubt. It was a sudden realisation that made me feel so tensed up. Hence, today, I came up with a timetable guide after having a talk with my mom.

Before talking about the guide, I would like to tell you what my mom told me. She said that she would feel extremely happy if I could go to NUS or NTU. She realised all of a sudden as well. It was purely coincidental. She told me that it would be the best day of her life as it would mean that I succeeded in something finally. Now I realised that it was my mom giving me the pressure to study, not myself. I've been thinking it was okay to play, but my mom was saying "no" all the time. She's been building my superego (search for Freud's 3 main ideas on psychology: superego is like control and guilty). That could be why I felt so bad when I've not studied hard over this holiday period.

Anyway, the guide is that there are tentatively, 310 days are left to first paper of A Level, which is GP, assuming it's on 7 Nov, just like 2016. I subtracted 10 from that to make it easy for counting (= 300 days), as I might not be studying some days and I might as well be prepared before 10 days of A Level. I came up with some terms like BN, GD and NJ.

From calculations, only 3 days can be invested at most on one topic of H2 Chem in 300 days. There are 21 chapters to study for Chemistry.

(300 / 5) / 21 = 2.99...

This shows the short length of our time left to A Level papers.

To add, I watched one Korean video saying that 8 hours of focused studying can lead me to any university I want to go. I derived that every 32 minute session (denoted as BN, which is a short form of "bbeun, 쁜", means "pretty" for getting pretty girls in future) with a 5 minute break (denoted as NJ, which is "nolja, 놀자", means "let's play") in between, I can study for 8 hours with 15 BNs in total. It sounds tiring, but after trying 5 BNs today on H2 Maths, I felt that it was indeed worth spending time and in fact, it felt rather short while doing so. I feel like this is the most effective way to study for the rest of my A Level journey. The key is, 5 BNs must be spent on each subject, and only 3 subjects must be studied in one day (= 3 GD, 3 "gada, 가다" . Each gada is 1 subject per day. It means "work hard" and also means "move"). You can move up to 30 BNs in one month from your strongest subject to your weaker subjects. However, you cannot remove any session. You must strictly follow 15 BNs per day.

In March, I will be having Block Test, and I've realised that 8 hours of studies will definitely not be enough. In August, there will be Prelims, which will be even more rigorous than preparing for Block Test. Hence, by studying longer and being more effective through session-break approach, I believe that I can grasp this last chance to go to for Computer Engineering course in NTU or NUS (BBB/C). If this works out, I'll definitely be extremely happy like my mom. I will never regret making this timetable guide and sacrificing times on other things. I'll definitely make up for these 15 BNs.

Additionally, I will be doing 18 hours challenge once again before New Year arrives. It's just studying 18 hours in 1 day. That would be like 33 BNs. Holy crap.

Good luck to everyone taking A Level next year, including myself. I'll be putting up (probably the last) post in 2017 about my New Year resolutions. Thank you!

Oh yes, and one more thing.

First of all, let me swear.

Fuck you.

I don't think I'll need you at least for next 5 years. You've been a guy who's been pulling me down so badly; you were trying to change who I am.

Then you always told me the same thing over and over again; do whatever you like. Do whatever you want and do the things that what you want to do. And I did. Then your reaction was horrendous; you were like, why? I'm just bemused. Are you talented at contradictions? Because sorry, I'm very retarded but I try my best to be logical. And whenever I see your decisions based on your emotions, I feel nauseous and keeping you away from me.

So I'm doing it already.

Stop thinking that you'll never be the problem in my life; at most you will think will be like, "Oh, he's on that mode again", or "What did I do wrong?". Or you'll call my name and try to explain in your own words, as if you understand a single bit of me. You can't and you don't. You shouldn't dare to change me. You should let me do whatever I want and stop being sulky about it, when YOU HAVE NEVER LISTENED TO ME AND YOU PRETENDED AS IF YOU DID. Why, are you gonna object this with your contradiction? Then come up with something logical; I'm in a better school than you. You're stupid.

I hate contempt and I try my best not to show it. And as I try not to do so, I see you doing that so many times that I cannot forget them already. Say whatever you want. I will cover my ears with my hands and be egoistic, like what you said to me.

I blame myself. You should be blaming yourself, not me. Don't frame it to me.

One more time

If you get reminded, I will seriously blame everything on you and I will move on. Please stop coming back.

I hate you.

Allergy

This isn't normal; it's not normal anymore. Back then when I was in the secondary school, I realised that I was not born to be a leaderleader. 

So I tried. Coming to think of it now, I tried quite hard. At least harder than now.

I had stayed quiet in the classroom when I was back in Korea. I had nothing much that I could show off. I couldn't belong to the so-called "cool" clique. I didn't even dare to ask for an eraser from my friends, because I thought I was causing inconvenience to them.

And this dreadful symptom is coming back again.

It's very easy for us to lose confidence; it happens when you look at others who are like apparently so much better than you. This amplifies when that person is an arrogant bastard who has everything that he needs and wants. It's very easy to feel that way, because it's normal to be inferior.

Just that it no longer is a joke when this is silencing me all the time, whenever I want to speak up. 

I've been not trying hard in whatever things I've been doing; I felt so enervated and I was giving in to the old bad habits that I've always detested, and now, I feel like I am younger, in a very bad way. All those things which I couldn't do when I was younger are still "things" to me only. They're no longer tangible. It feels so hopeless and despairing when I feel like I can't grasp anything that I've been dreaming of.

As though I've been depressed, I've encountered many incidences where I was talking to myself. And as time passed, that conversation gradually ceased, and I felt like a second trying to talk to myself is a waste of my time. As if it changes anything. Then I talk to the others, but what I hear is an echo from the wall of my thoughts. It's basically the same thing over and over again.

That only means one thing; I have to really stand up and show the people that I can do things. I have to intrepid by failing, not doubting. I've failed so many times in my life that it's becoming a calculable gradient in my descending graph. I have no idea what happened to me, but there's one thing I'm very sure of.

I am tired and I'm letting myself feel tired.

Yes, I'm tired of social interaction. I'm tired of everyone, studies, interacting, feeling, exercising, or even eating. At this moment, I would love to watch a movie by my own and then get myself dressed up in the night, then walk around some secluded places around where no one can disturb me. I want that time where nothing can hinder my thoughts process. Maybe I need a rest, but. 

Do I deserve it? 

I don't think I do. My mom scolds me all the time for sleeping at home and that admonishment wakes me up all the time during that truce. I needed to be alone but I couldn't separate myself from the world. I would love to sleep more and not having to wake up again. In order to so, I have to try hard for something, so that no one can judge me and I can do whatever I want.

I've been doing what I wanted, but why do I feel like I need to do something that I don't want in order to change? And that change is like vomiting  onto other people's bowls; it's something unusual to others and myself as well, making me feel so uneasy, giving me a headache. It's like an allergy.

Yes, this is an allergy. I've got no cure for this, but I have to adapt to these difficulties by trying assiduously for what I want. And that process will never be sweet, but the end will always be. I know it is. 

Let me be solitary. Then, I'll be free temporarily.

I dreamt of her.

First of all, fortunately, it wasn't a wet dream. It was just a dream, which made me feel pleasant for a while.

She was an adult in that dream. Still short, she was clad in a black top tank, which made her look sexy. I had no sexual appeal on her at all, though. The fact is that she invited me to her house, which was surprising. It seemed like she has transformed and finally became matured. Her house was white and clean, but some parts were a little messy. I don't remember the details of the items at her house. I sat with her in the dining room, at morning, when nothing but whiteness was the clear hint. Throughout this whole dream, she was smiling, and I felt that she was more matured than me. She cooked for me some breakfast and put it on the transparent glass table, and she looked at me while I was eating in a hectic manner. She was pretty. I wanted to hug her.

It's not because I still like her or whatever, but I do feel that whenever I spot her on other people's Instagram photographs, I feel that it's such a waste. She's really quite pretty, in my opinion. Somehow, her personality says the otherwise and I feel that that's not very good of her.

I daydream of the day when she suddenly approaches me and implores for my apology, or seeing each other at overseas alone, without any acquaintance. With joy, I think I'll talk to her and link coincidence to having a meal together. I've always wanted to reconcile with her, but situations didn't allow me to do so. Probably, when we become older and more matured, I hope this happens and I wish I can still remember you. I wish fervently for her to do so, too.

I don't want her to be my girlfriend, however. I guess she will feel the same too. Unless she has proven to me that her personalities have changed and stop influencing me to her Christianity, I won't ever start liking her.

The moments that I hate nowadays are when I can relate to love songs closely.

It was a dream. It was a pleasant dream.

Trying for things which can be done. Part 2

V is a type of person whose religious views are completely different from mine, and sometimes we have opinion clashes. I also had opinion clashes with my other friend who spilled the beans, but he couldn't listen to whatever I said. A lot of factors play when coming to listening of opinions. Firstly, it is about self-regard. If you think that you are good, most likely, you won't listen to others. And surprisingly, these people are very obedient to superiors. I might be doing that superficially, but most of the time, I'm not doing that inside, unless it is someone whom I respect a lot and those who listen to my wholehearted opinions and ideas. That is where I open up my heart, because those who don't listen to others don't deserve my attention. V always listened and replied to my views and they were very sincere, unlike some other guy who just said that he couldn't understand what I was saying. Basically, it's about respect - if you don't have this sense of respect for others, there is no proper communication.

I have always tried to listen out to people's opinions and always tried to do something better out of them. I wanted those who are not as good as me (but I am not that good either), or those who aren't very good, to be acknowledged and heard. I am always trying. True friendship is very important because you need one or two people whom you can trust and who they can trust as well. It is about balance. One person shouldn't feel envious of other one, but really encourage that person to be better. Yes, human's sin is envy and it can't be gotten rid of. Hence, we have to try. At least when we try, we see the efforts and we can know that that person is doing trying his or her best to change. When we try to really help others and support each other, that is where true personality comes in. At least if we try, we can be honest to ourselves that we have done something right.

V is wonderful. She's been wonderful throughout my journey in my school and she will be someone whom I can really talk to when I feel low. Thank you so much, V!

I like girls. I can talk to them in depth about what's going on and it feels more reassuring in that way. Most guys and men have this stereotypical mind-set that they must be strong mentally and physically, that they can support girls and be the pillar. This century is when sexual equality is going to be real. Maybe not worldwide, but at least some regions will seek some light on this issue of inequality, and lives will definitely change. There will be a time when girls and guys talk to each other without much discomfort, and with much respect to each other. I'm trying, and we all have to try for this. I don't love who I am right now, but I wish I can definitely love who I am in the future.

V is typically judgmental, sadly. I understand that she has her own views and I was also like that when things were not going well. It's not because I didn't try hard, but because things were just shaped in a way that I couldn't perform the best in some areas. However, reason why I'm focusing so much on assiduity is for the boost of self-esteem. I've never been so hopeful of things going around me even though they're becoming harder than anything else. Maybe it is a false hope but I really feel like it can be done this time, with a slight feeling of failure that might make me feel down. Still, I want to make a change in my life, and I hope she can make a change in her life as well. I wish her to try her best in her environment as well. I wish her all the best in her studies.

Life is seemingly getting tougher, but this is a part where we should find some comedy to relax. Life isn't full of tragedy, as it is a series of drama. We live in reality where we don't act at a totally happy or sad side. We mix them all around and that's how this society circulates. We strive for better to be good, and strive for the best to be better. We can never try our best, but we should never not try our best. I know I suck, because I'm not a very handsome guy compared to other Koreans out there. I'm not very good in studies. I'm not that great in singing even though that's what I like. I'm not good at talking, reading, writing and I am now laughing at myself, because I suck so much! Then now I realise, that yes, I'm good at laughing. I know I can make things positive and uplift the mood. I'm not sensitive enough but I can sense things around. This also reasons why I like this friend V.

She's extremely caring. Usually, when I talk to others in such lengthy sentences, people get bored or don't even reply to me. I sent her messages of thankfulness and sang a song (because that was my best ability, and yeah, it's also my favourite song), and she actually felt honoured for this. My friends would have found it so cheesy and shut me up for saying all these, but she kinda thanked me back for this. I don't know her true feelings about all these but I know that she's a better person than me in a whole, and she definitely deserves better. I really want to treat her as my best friend but I suck at friendship. (I am expert in friendzone, however! That's where plot twist comes in, and I sit down at corner weeping... Ah, LIFE!) She is probably one of the best people I've ever met so far, or maybe it's too early to say all these. Yet, she's a person whom I must treat the best and not lose. She will definitely be the person whom I'll need and I don't want her to stay away from me.

So, what should I do now? Yes. I must try my best to start talking less to her because she will find me annoying some day if I talk to her only. I must try to make her feel happy by, let's say, acting retarded in front of her. I must be someone whom she also can trust, but that will be quite hard because I think she trusts herself more than me. That should be normal for others but for me, the other way round is.

Thank you for reading this post again, V. No one else is actually taking time to read all these old-fashioned and boring posts, except you. Sometimes I wonder why you haven't slapped me or punched me hard in the face yet. Then now, I answer my own question: we should be closer to each other! :)

Let's try to punch each other.

Trying for things which can be done.

I have always had a bad perception on myself and a low self-esteem. I have never tried hard enough to change, and that is one reason why I am stuck in a same pattern routine.

Recently, I looked at acquaintances' Instagram photographs and I came to realise how badly I am shaped. Comparing those pictures to my mirror image, I felt demoralised and weak. Why am I not good? Most likely, I believe that this happened because I was treated too well by my parents when I was younger. Or maybe the opposite, from a perspective that I wasn't treated well - my parents and other relatives think that I was treated well, but that's not what I think. Their views are on economic support. I'm on the view of familial relationship.

This isn't something that I should be proud to share, but I don't really like my family members a lot. That doesn't mean I hate them, however.

Talking about my paternal side, my father's family is a headstrong and conservative community (but in terms of politics, almost liberal). They are mentally very strong in a sense that they do not give up easily and have very stable occupations, capable of supporting their own families. The fact that my father is not capable (because of his way of operating his business). All my uncles there are quite reluctant to listen out for advices, and sometimes egoistic. When they visited Singapore recently, it was honestly quite stressful for me. My mother was stressed out because her own business was not going well, and my brother always was not at home for first few days. My aunt was extremely hot-tempered, and I suspected her religion view. That's when I started to think that I think I can be a better Buddhist than her even though I lived like one quarter of her life. However, some uncles were still better than my father in terms of personality. (Sadly, they're now economically as well. Sorry, dad! I love you!) I could talk about my career path to one of them because he asked me to talk about it, and told me in details about his family. I was reassured by one fact. Personality isn't heredity.

I had a lot to reflect on myself, but I could learn a lot from these aunt and uncles on my father's side during their trip to Singapore. (That's where I decided to stay as a free thinker because of my aunt.) To talk about my aunt, I would like to share one episode before I go to matters of my mother.

She has irritated a lot of people during this trip due to her uproar of hot-temperedness. I mean, maybe because of menopausal syndrome and her own health, she could have felt irritated as well. However, I think she was more or less aware of how she's making the whole situation worse by adding barrels of oil into already large fire, turning to possible conflagration. It did happen. One of my uncles asked her to stop complaining in the restaurant, and on that night, my mother, another younger aunt and uncle talked about that eldest aunt in the family. Even though they did not badmouth her, that discussion part was quite significant for me. Still, I also felt that it wasn't right for her to act that way, and I stepped up to join in that discussion, with a gulp of one cup of beer that reddened my face given by the usually calm uncle. With unsatisfactory answer, we concluded that we should just deal with her. Two days later, the uncles and the younger aunt left, but my grandmother and that eldest aunt stayed in Singapore for one more week.

Before I went for school camp, I woke up late and I went into a bathroom in a hurry to finish my urgent business(!) and keep my toiletries into my backpack. I turned the Wi-Fi on my mobile phone, but it didn't seem to work. Since I had no time, I didn't really have a luxury to look into my phone to update myself about entertainment news. As I scurried out, my aunt asked me if the Internet is working. I replied a quick "no", and could predict her next sentence at that moment. Every morning, she listened to monks' speeches (or some scripts read off, which I don't really know) when she arrived to my home, and without Internet access, it was impossible to play them out. She asked me something obvious at the next moment and I told her I was in a hurry and already late (but in the end, I was not, and I have never been late for school. I hope I can say this for next month as well.). I left my house and bade farewell to my mother, and saw my aunt's face from the closing door's gap in a little bit of displeasure. Without much thought, I walked briskly to the lift lobby and departed for the camp.

When I returned home, my aunt and my grandmother have already gone back to Korea. My mother asked me if I have done anything with Internet. Well, I had tried to use it but to no avail, so I replied her a quick "no", but just that it was my mom this time and I didn't know what she was going to tell me. Then, she told me that aunt blamed me for disabling the Internet before I left. I became some evil guy who manipulated this whole Internet system at home to confuse my aunt. My mother then tried to fix the Internet modem and router by plugging out all cables and, it still didn't work, coming to a conclusion that this time it isn't working because my mother touched it. My aunt must have thought that we are deities of technology, where contacting any machine becomes a miracle of dysfunctioning. Okay, sorry - it's a pandemonium. My aunt told my mother that there must be a bad relation with her and herself, that is creating this bad vibe. Halfway her narration, my mom then claimed to me that what the aunt said is basically to cut this relationship off and worst kind of thing to say to justify something that's not going well. I couldn't help myself but to nod my head in a jolt of agreement.

My mother is a good person but she is also hot-tempered in a sense, where she gets irritated easily as well. Just that she isn't as much as my aunt, but she is also inclined to that type. She's also very realistic that she doesn't think positive of me when I bring back discouraging results to her. Usual routine at home is that I get angry at her for not encouraging me but always criticising me with caustic remarks. She's sometimes very pessimistic (even worse than me) and I've not seen her sincerely apologising to me for any bad deed. I mean, mostly because I did more misdeeds to her, but sometimes, there are her faults as well. She can't admit mistakes. That's where I get angry, and I experienced it when I travelled to Lijiang last year with her. Even though she's a person whom I can really talk to about life, hardship and my older brother, she's still too judgmental that I can't take it when I'm not in a good mood.

Yes, I didn't say I have good personality. Personally, I feel that I am one joker who can't control emotions and always needing some place to rant over. Blog might be good, but since (I think) I suck at writing, I can't seem to de-stress. That's where I approach watching videos on YouTube when my mom is not around, and best of all, sleep. Emotions surprisingly use up a lot of energy and to save it up, I go to sleep and after I wake up and look at the clock, that's where stress comes in again. That was my cycle of bad personality. I didn't take things positively and here I am - a guy who is a free thinker and has a liberal view on politics, then lazing around typing on this phone on my reflection of my own and others' personalities. One thing to say is that personality might seem to pass down because of the environment. In my belief, people have different capacities that they can hold in emotionally, and I'm probably not very good, in that sense. My family isn't very bad as everyone is well-educated in both of my families. At the same time, this isn't very good because not only I feel demoralised when I underperform in my studies, but also the demotivated mind-set on why must I be trying so hard to achieve something higher. Of course, nowadays, I don't feel the same because I have set my own goal and I am striving to do so. Yet, seeing others whose families are in unison and always having time to have dinner together, makes me feel small and envious of them. Why is my family, even though we don't lack anything in particular, so separated? Yes, my mother has to work everyday and my brother always goes out of home to, from what he says, study. My father is in Korea. I'm always alone at home when I come back from school. Only weekends are the days when I see my family members and really talk to my father.

Even when I complained so much about my parents about their personalities, I start to miss the time when we were together for dinner. Why are we so hardworking in our aspects, but not doing so for each other? I mean, we are doing that, but indirectly. Showing love indirectly isn't very efficient, even though it's so much better than being indifferent. It's not that I hate my family members because I love them, but I've talked about some of their issues to reflect on why my personality isn't very good. In fact, talking about my parents on this post is already... Quite stupid. Yet, I want to say that I love my mom and dad. They are the ones who made who I am and I'll forever be grateful for it. Whatever issues they have, I believe very strongly that they can be resolved one day when we are less busy in the future. I just wish we can relax together, like what my father told us that we should go Indonesia one day to lay off burdens as a family, during the paternal side's trip. (My grandfather passed on at quite an early age, and this fact was used by my uncle to state that their family became independent from then on.)

I have always needed friends who could really talk to me because I didn't really have time to start conversation with my brother or mom in Singapore. Some don't even find me that significant and in my opinion, true friendship must be equal to each other. The thing is, it's not, for my most friends, whom I thought that they were my true friends. I only knew that when that guy spilled the beans about my family issue that he can never be trusted. Yet he trusts me somehow about his credentials. Well, when things get serious, I think that's a normal human behaviour. I'm not a type of guy who will do some revenge by pulling off notes from my friends' bank accounts anyway.

Recently, this friend called V made me feel so emotionally supportive. I guess this is what true friend is. True friends know what's going on even when they don't talk? Rubbish.