Friday, 30 December 2016

D-310, on 1/1/17

Yes, it's been a long time. Sorry for not writing any post. I've been... addicted to gaming? Whatever the reason is, I'm back.

Nothing much new to update, I guess (There are actually a lot, including issues in Korea, but I'm gonna be extremely busy). Boring New Year resolutions that I've not been keeping in my entire life... Yet I've always told myself that I would do so. I've never kept to my promises. Next year, it's gonna be the same. I would like to study harder.

Besides that, I'm scared of going out.

It's much more comfortable to be "antisocial" and sit down in front of a computer to play my Korean game, or League of Legends. I don't usually play with my friends online (except Javier). I have no idea why though. Maybe because I'm lazy to contact my friends to play with me. Or maybe because I'm scared to be perceived as a gamer. Anyway, I'm just not used to asking people out for playing with me; be it online or in real life.

I am just scared to meet my friends in real life. I got a strange feeling that I hate to go out. It's like, there's no reason to go out. At home, there's my mom and myself that I can reflect through the virtual reality. Yes, it's pathetic, but I've been feeling like I need this reliance. It's addiction, actually. Even World Health Organisation (WHO) claimed that gaming addiction is a real form of addiction. It almost equates to smoking and drinking. Games have been giving me the illusion that it feels better to be at home than outside. The fact is, it's better to be outside than at home. I won't be studying hard when I'm at home as I feel more comfortable and I will be inclined to play computer games eventually.

One thing I realised was that I'm scared of meeting people (other than frinends) as well. There's nothing much I can be proud to share, other than getting promoted to JC 2. That ain't a very nice achievement. 80% of my schoolmates achieved promotion. In 2016, my aims were to get promoted and obtain A for PW, and enjoy the life in JC. That was a wrong decision which I might regret for the rest of my life.  Those people from other better JCs or good Poly courses, or those in relationship or in larger social circle, made me ask myself why I'm in this small, stagnant pool of dense fluid. It's like there's this heavy force spiralling me downwards, which I would like to call it inferiority. I'm not from good JC, yet am I getting good results? Negative. My overall grades were ABCDE. Some people obtained worse results, but I don't really care about these things anymore, as I feel that people won't recognise me if I don't get good results. It's like, there's nothing special in me, which leads to the inferiority.

I've been thinking yesterday night and thanks to that, I could quit gaming today. Out of the blue, I felt extremely anxious and I couldn't sleep. Remaining insomniac, I got up and started doing my holiday Maths homework and I could only fall asleep around 4AM (and I did something to relax, as I still felt nervous; eww). It was terrible. I was very nervous, thinking that if I slept before A Level examination unprepared, I would definitely get a U grade without any doubt. It was a sudden realisation that made me feel so tensed up. Hence, today, I came up with a timetable guide after having a talk with my mom.

Before talking about the guide, I would like to tell you what my mom told me. She said that she would feel extremely happy if I could go to NUS or NTU. She realised all of a sudden as well. It was purely coincidental. She told me that it would be the best day of her life as it would mean that I succeeded in something finally. Now I realised that it was my mom giving me the pressure to study, not myself. I've been thinking it was okay to play, but my mom was saying "no" all the time. She's been building my superego (search for Freud's 3 main ideas on psychology: superego is like control and guilty). That could be why I felt so bad when I've not studied hard over this holiday period.

Anyway, the guide is that there are tentatively, 310 days are left to first paper of A Level, which is GP, assuming it's on 7 Nov, just like 2016. I subtracted 10 from that to make it easy for counting (= 300 days), as I might not be studying some days and I might as well be prepared before 10 days of A Level. I came up with some terms like BN, GD and NJ.

From calculations, only 3 days can be invested at most on one topic of H2 Chem in 300 days. There are 21 chapters to study for Chemistry.

(300 / 5) / 21 = 2.99...

This shows the short length of our time left to A Level papers.

To add, I watched one Korean video saying that 8 hours of focused studying can lead me to any university I want to go. I derived that every 32 minute session (denoted as BN, which is a short form of "bbeun, 쁜", means "pretty" for getting pretty girls in future) with a 5 minute break (denoted as NJ, which is "nolja, 놀자", means "let's play") in between, I can study for 8 hours with 15 BNs in total. It sounds tiring, but after trying 5 BNs today on H2 Maths, I felt that it was indeed worth spending time and in fact, it felt rather short while doing so. I feel like this is the most effective way to study for the rest of my A Level journey. The key is, 5 BNs must be spent on each subject, and only 3 subjects must be studied in one day (= 3 GD, 3 "gada, 가다" . Each gada is 1 subject per day. It means "work hard" and also means "move"). You can move up to 30 BNs in one month from your strongest subject to your weaker subjects. However, you cannot remove any session. You must strictly follow 15 BNs per day.

In March, I will be having Block Test, and I've realised that 8 hours of studies will definitely not be enough. In August, there will be Prelims, which will be even more rigorous than preparing for Block Test. Hence, by studying longer and being more effective through session-break approach, I believe that I can grasp this last chance to go to for Computer Engineering course in NTU or NUS (BBB/C). If this works out, I'll definitely be extremely happy like my mom. I will never regret making this timetable guide and sacrificing times on other things. I'll definitely make up for these 15 BNs.

Additionally, I will be doing 18 hours challenge once again before New Year arrives. It's just studying 18 hours in 1 day. That would be like 33 BNs. Holy crap.

Good luck to everyone taking A Level next year, including myself. I'll be putting up (probably the last) post in 2017 about my New Year resolutions. Thank you!

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