So I tried. Coming to think of it now, I tried quite hard. At least harder than now.
I had stayed quiet in the classroom when I was back in Korea. I had nothing much that I could show off. I couldn't belong to the so-called "cool" clique. I didn't even dare to ask for an eraser from my friends, because I thought I was causing inconvenience to them.
And this dreadful symptom is coming back again.
It's very easy for us to lose confidence; it happens when you look at others who are like apparently so much better than you. This amplifies when that person is an arrogant bastard who has everything that he needs and wants. It's very easy to feel that way, because it's normal to be inferior.
Just that it no longer is a joke when this is silencing me all the time, whenever I want to speak up.
I've been not trying hard in whatever things I've been doing; I felt so enervated and I was giving in to the old bad habits that I've always detested, and now, I feel like I am younger, in a very bad way. All those things which I couldn't do when I was younger are still "things" to me only. They're no longer tangible. It feels so hopeless and despairing when I feel like I can't grasp anything that I've been dreaming of.
As though I've been depressed, I've encountered many incidences where I was talking to myself. And as time passed, that conversation gradually ceased, and I felt like a second trying to talk to myself is a waste of my time. As if it changes anything. Then I talk to the others, but what I hear is an echo from the wall of my thoughts. It's basically the same thing over and over again.
That only means one thing; I have to really stand up and show the people that I can do things. I have to intrepid by failing, not doubting. I've failed so many times in my life that it's becoming a calculable gradient in my descending graph. I have no idea what happened to me, but there's one thing I'm very sure of.
I am tired and I'm letting myself feel tired.
Yes, I'm tired of social interaction. I'm tired of everyone, studies, interacting, feeling, exercising, or even eating. At this moment, I would love to watch a movie by my own and then get myself dressed up in the night, then walk around some secluded places around where no one can disturb me. I want that time where nothing can hinder my thoughts process. Maybe I need a rest, but.
Do I deserve it?
I don't think I do. My mom scolds me all the time for sleeping at home and that admonishment wakes me up all the time during that truce. I needed to be alone but I couldn't separate myself from the world. I would love to sleep more and not having to wake up again. In order to so, I have to try hard for something, so that no one can judge me and I can do whatever I want.
I've been doing what I wanted, but why do I feel like I need to do something that I don't want in order to change? And that change is like vomiting onto other people's bowls; it's something unusual to others and myself as well, making me feel so uneasy, giving me a headache. It's like an allergy.
Yes, this is an allergy. I've got no cure for this, but I have to adapt to these difficulties by trying assiduously for what I want. And that process will never be sweet, but the end will always be. I know it is.
Let me be solitary. Then, I'll be free temporarily.